Category Archives: Satire

Privacy Removed: Boys Bathroom Stalls Replaced With Air

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Due to recent vandalization of the boys bathrooms, the school has decided to remove the stalls and place motion sensors in the bathrooms to analyze reckless behavior. The removal of stalls and enforcement of motion sensors is supposed to decrease bad behavior in the boys bathrooms.

“I’m not too sure how I feel about it personally,” sophomore The Jackson Four said. “I always liked my privacy while I did my business. However, I did dislike the vandalism it really gave me the frowny brownies when I saw them.”

The start of the vandalism crimes originated in the B hall boys bathroom where the damage was so significant a hazmat team of exactly 14 individuals had to work on restoring and sanitizing the bathroom for an entire week.

“Vandalism has spread throughout the schools boys bathrooms as the most recent instance was in the C hall bathroom,” Third String Principle Boog McSquizzy said. “I fully believe that the removal of stalls and emplacement of motion sensors will stop vandalism in bathrooms entirely. I especially like the idea of no stalls because it promotes communication among the students. As I have noticed myself that the bathrooms are awfully quiet and I do enjoy a good conversation.”

The removal of stalls is set to happen after spring break along with the enforcement of motion sensors. The motion sensors are designed to track movement that resemble movements of vandalism. 

“I’m not entirely sure how well this new bathroom layout would work as I personally like the stalls,” junior Timmy Thick said. “The motion sensors also bother me as I feel that they would go off on any type of movement.”

According to McSquizzy, this new bathroom layout is an experiment and if it goes poorly then the stalls will be added back into the schools bathrooms. 

“All in all the school has to do something to stop the vandalistic behavior in the boys bathrooms,” McSquizzy said. “This minor change in the bathroom layout just might be the stopping force we need for the vandalistic behavior.”


By Grey Patterson, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Student Discovers Underground Artist Barack Obama: Not One Single Soul Has Heard This Man

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Barack Obama. A name that, despite being vaguely familiar in the political scene, is virtually unknown in the realm of music. A name that, overall, means absolutely nothing to the world’s population –  save for the singular local student who discovered him and his meaningful works. 

“I truly do believe that I am the only person who has ever heard of Barack Obama,” sophomore Indie Anna Jones said, waving her blonde locks in the wind and flashing a knowing smirk. “He’s literally so underground that I had to dig a hole 70 feet deep to discover him.”

Jones, who is known throughout the community in no way, came across this new artist while surfing SoundCloud. If it wasn’t for her own newly released lo-fi disco indie underground single, she wouldn’t have even been on the app in the first place.

“I just really vibe with artists that no one knows about,” Jones said. “There’s something about being so above my peers in my knowledge of music that makes it absolutely thrilling to search the deep recesses of music apps in order to find mediocre songs that I can brag about knowing.”

When cross-surfing multiple platforms, Jones became the first human being to ever see Obama’s name. Though she really wasn’t a huge fan of his music, the fact that literally no one had ever heard him made his debut album that much more appealing in her eyes.

“Obama is my favorite artist of all time,” Jones said. “He’s just so mysterious – it’s like there’s no personal information about him anywhere. I mean I haven’t actually googled him yet, but I’m positive he’s completely under the radar. 

Jones has yet to decide on her favorite song off of the album. When asked this seemingly simple question, her eyes took on a frightened glaze as if she was bracing for interrogation.

“I’m so sorry, this is just really putting me on the spot right now,” Jones said. “I’ve really only listened to the album a few times, so I don’t actually know the names super well. But I swear I’m still his biggest and only fan!”

Obama’s debut album (the name of which must remain undisclosed so as to not introduce him to the masses) gives new meaning to the term underground. No singular artist has ever been deemed this unknown before – or so we thought. 

“I don’t know a single person who doesn’t know Barack Obama,” Jones’s ‘friend,’ sophomore Deb Specter said. “Indie Anna just wants everyone to think she has the most obscure taste. Which she doesn’t. And no offense, but please do not listen to her SoundCloud. It will only make her more powerful.”

When asked about Specter’s response to her own claims, Jones immediately quieted. As her face grew continuously more red, it was nearly impossible to keep Jones’s self-righteous anger from bubbling over.

“Deb doesn’t understand,” Jones said. “From my experience, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. And his hardest battle by far was choosing me to deliver the news of Obama’s debut album to the world while also making sure that I get the credit I deserve.”

Though we are currently confused as to whether or not Jones was legitimately serious about claiming Obama’s fame, one thing is for sure: Barack Obama’s debut album is a smash hit, and was not meant solely for Jones’s ears. 

“Please just let me have this,” Jones said. “Obama was my discovery, and I will take that to my grave. Also, stream my debut single on SoundCloud!”


By Katie Haberman, Feature Haberman

Featured photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

Parents Take a Stand: Is TikTok a Satanic Hoax?

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

A Tik Tok outbreak is upon us and parents around the globe are questioning the app’s ulterior motives. Is this newfound preteen-dominated app really just for laughs? Or is it tapping into our adolescence’s brains using subliminal messages? Parents are speculating. Here’s the scoop on why parents believe Satan has a hand in this trendy “innocent” app. 

To get a deeper insight into what parents believe Tik Tok really is, we asked the moms themselves. But not just any moms, but the moms of the sacred and private Facebook groups, “Dripping Springs Neighbors” and “Moms of Drip.” To keep their group private, they asked us to keep their names anonymous, so we’ll be changing the names of the parents we interviewed. 

“I heard Tik Tok is corrupting the youths of today,” Karen Smith said. “The dances that are spreading on this app are inappropriate and provocative.” 

It seems in the eyes of Generation X Tik Tok is the new rock and roll. They seem to believe that this video app is sending corruptive messages to the younger generations. A lot of users are posting to play songs backward on Snapchat, and some parents believe this is a satanic hoax to get kids listening to a subliminal message. 

“The songs that are being played are influencing my daughter to dress in a less modest and more trampy way,” says Susan Johnson. “I won’t allow her to download it again, there are tons of weirdos on there…”

While Johnson blames her daughter’s hussy behavior on this new app, other parents can’t help but agree that their children are acting out in strange and sort of demonic way. 

“My child won’t stop saying, ‘renegade’ and doing this disturbing romp,” Linda Cox said. “It’s like she’s been brainwashed into this ritual…” 

Some parents have even done further research:

 “The word renegade actually means, ‘a person who deserts and betrays an organization, country, or set of principles’” Kathy Coleman said. “How mortifying? This app is insinuating a revolution, mark my words!” 

There seem to be many trends on TikTok, and the thirst for fame can be accounted for as one of the top. The use of the hashtags “#fyp” and “#foryoupage” are being used to get user’s uploads more views and exposure. Although parents seem to believe this is a code for something more malicious. 

“I heard #fyp stands for ‘for your pentagram/pentacle,’” Tracy Willams said. “It’s obviously just another way the app is hiding menacing content from parents. The whole app is a hoax that kids are being tricked into.” 

So as we can see, parents are very concerned about this new and trendy app. They seem to believe that this app gives off a facade of innocence and fun, but it’s true colors are malicious and deceiving, just like Satan himself. Many moms are saying the app is leading more and more youths down a dark path. The question is, do we listen to mom this time?


By Maddie Lewis, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Kon Karampelas on Unsplash

Let Them Drink Iced Coffee: Self-Care Terrorism, French Revolution of 2020 America Exposed

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

“BRATATATATATATATAT.”

The sound of rapid-fire words pound against the heads of the students as they find themselves the targets of a self-love terrorist campaign.  

Over the past few months, the Serenity club has become synonymous with terror in the high school, committing many acts that have been condemned by the Bureau of Counterterrorism in the State Department. It was initially identified through the violent propaganda slurs used during the self-care march, namely malevolent statements like “Sleeping at least 8 hours will do you good!” or “Take a break from social media!”

“In truth, I have no idea who is behind the attacks,” senior Kimmy Jong Oof said. “However, these faceless attacks have severely disrupted the entirety of school society and I am personally victimized. How plausible can it be for me to be able to partake in my Juuling and bullying in this social climate?” 

The terrorist attacks came to head during the lunch periods of February 14, where members of the club threw heart-shaped bath bombs for “me time” at students passing in the hallways. The administration was forced to call in SWAT, which used anti-self-love slander to scare the members away, ensuring the safety of the school.

“I was absolutely horrified you know? Darling, I had never been more scared for my low self-esteem than at that moment,” district administrator Kathy-Sue Barbara Louise LaChyenneBlanche said. “You never know what you are going to do in those kinds of situations and for a moment I thought of running from the attack and leaving the students behind.” 

In the end, over 200 students were affected by the attack, citing different difficulties like decreased anxiety and heightened mood. Shocking many, the attack became a rallying cry for the extremists who back the group and what they stand for.

“We are here to make every person in a hundred-mile radius love themselves,” junior Anne Arkie said. “I am not playing around when I say that we will not stop until every individual spends one night a week logging off of Twitter and drawing a rosewater bubble bath, while tweeting #Self-CareSundays.”

On Sunday, the president of the extremist group gave a public dissertation of the state of affairs within the group and just what they want to expand moving forward. With massive viewers such as the Department of Homeland Security and the Lieutenant Governor of Texas watching, the majority of the region held their breath.

“As I awake and find my way stumbling to the nearest iced coffee dealer,” President Madison Lewis said, “I become aware of the total state of disaster our mental narcissism proves to be. I find it personally offensive how teachers do not feel as though it is necessary to skip class to make up for lost sleep, for they must know and realize the impact of less than enough sleep at night.”

The labeling of Serenity as a terrorist group became national news, with high profile sources like New York Times and The Washington Post picking up the story and United Nations responding to the situation by condemning the group. 

“We will be the iceberg to society’s Titanic and I, Rose, will be the person to push all of the haters off of my door,” Lewis said. “After spending time in the sun and letting my crippling depression ruin my life, I sit down and contemplate how I can help everyone else achieve the best of their mental self’s greatest dreams. ‘Self-care is harder than DJ Khaled playing the quiet game’ or whatever Tyler the Creator said.”


By Ethan Everman, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Enrique Bermudez

Gophers Up On the Green: Golfers Terrorized by Rodents

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

With the golf season starting up, our home course Grey Rock Golf Club has been terrorized by hundreds of gophers who are stealing golf balls and tearing up greens. This has caused the team to have to try their best to avoid being a victim of the mischievous vermin. 

“The team has been falling behind because of the gophers being a severe disturbance on the course during our practices,” Coach Trailing said.

With this being a factor, pest control is doing the best they can to make golf playable again at Grey Rock. They are still trying to find the source but beliefs are they were planted by someone. This has caused great commotion all around the golf community in Drip. There is no true explanation for the extreme curiosity of these little pests and their unsuspected population.

“All I want is to play my golf in peace without any of this worry about my ball potentially getting taken by some stupid gopher,” Tye Complain said.

The team is going to have to wait for the gophers to be removed to get quality practice and at this point no one knows when the devastation will end. The gophers have just come and they don’t look like they want to go anywhere else. At this point we might as well tell the golf team that they won’t be having a team this year.

“I don’t want to hear anymore about these gophers, all I want is all of them permanently removed from my golf course,” Jake Firm said.

No one knows what the true fate of the team will be. They may even cease to exist and no longer be able to show their skill with a club and a ball. If this terror continues there will be no more drives down the fairway and chips out of the sand. These gophers could be the end of golf as we know it, put the players whose favorite drink is an Arnold Palmer on our minds as they can no longer find that ball they hit. 


 By Grant Williams, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Angela Tennison

Where's the Goat? Travis Crain Still Missing

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

With the crazy start this school year we are all wondering the same thing, what happened to Coach Travis Crain. It was almost as if he disappeared, one day he was here and contributing to our everyday lives, then the next moment poof, he’s lost and gone. How did it happen? Where did he go? Why has this happened? These are all questions we need to know. There has to be an explanation. 

Thomas Flustered said, ”I am as confused as ever and was unaware of the tragic loss of T-Crain and his outstanding shows of emotion.”

As we can only guess that the goat Coach Crain is now silently whispering to us as a ghost. It’s almost as if he decided that he fit better at this school as a figure only to be heard and not seen. It’s stunning to see a man just fade from our lives and not at all exist. 

“I was unaware of his disappearance until I walked into a dark gym and he and his sharp elbows were no longer shooting free throws,” said Gregory Blind. 

“I had no idea we had lost him until I was working on my creative writing work and no longer had that 6’3” presence among us in the room,” Berry Ubservent said.

I am sure we all have had these sort of moments of realization where we become aware of our unawareness about Crain. He was present within all of our lives even if we didn’t know it. His attitude was always the same, unrecognizable. To end this recognition I am able to say that though T-Crain is no longer with us here at Drip because of this tragic disappearance, we leave him with the greatest of memories.


By Grant Williams, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Vasi Bjeletich

Horoscopes in Retrograde: April Predictions Take Out Everyone

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

April is a month for, like realizing things. So here’s your monthly horoscope, tailored to you from the stars themselves.

Aries: You feel trapped in this high school. Maybe it’s that they ran out of paninis freshman year, or that you missed the last pep-rally; either way, it’s time for a change. Since mercury is around, and Jupiter is somewhere as well, you could possibly be okay this month. So keep on keeping on, because this week brings water to the fire sign you have already in your stars, and that means something.

Taurus: Don’t go around Whataburger this week. Trust me. 

Gemini: The sun is making it’s way around and you can feel the heat approaching your zodiac. This is making you feel surprised by the things that occur this month. Don’t feel shocked when Coach Harlicker gives you a pop quiz; you knew that was his ulterior motive all along. Take April one day at a time and make sure you say what you mean but not to feel too understandable. 

Cancer: You’re feeling overwhelmed this month. Make sure you stay open-minded and don’t crawl into any small confined spaces – no matter how much you want to, I know you want to see what the janitor’s closet looks like. Just don’t. Mars in April retrograde sign can be deceitful. So pay attention to that. 

Leo: Go to HEB on Wednesday. We need eggs.

Virgo: You can’t decide what you want for lunch. This month, try to be decisive instead and keep an open mind about the local Taco Bell. The meat is probably fake, but then again so are all of these horoscopes. 

Libra: Your moon rising star is doing good. You need to stay open-minded and you’ll probably have the flu by Friday. 

Scorpio: Make a grilled cheese, it will open your rising moon to new qualities of life. And if you’re vegan, go and remind more people of this fact. 

Sagittarius: Don’t be oblivious this month. Your subconscious and conscious mind have been trying to tell you something very important for twenty-two days now. But don’t listen too closely: your mind can deceive you. The Mars planet encrustations planted in your stars will tell you to say something, but maybe just think it instead. Also, we’re out of milk. 

Capricorn: You’re feeling a sense of distraction this week, don’t do that anymore. Take a hold of your moon planet and make sure to appreciate and show affection to your stars this week. The people around you are trying to tell you not to cut your bangs, but your 4 a.m. Frank Ocean self says you should anyway. Think about that. 

Aquarius: This month your rising sign is giving you a sense of direction this week. Since your moon sign is around, and your rising sign is prevalent this week, the milk in your fridge could have gone bad – unless you drink almond milk. If that is the case, carry on. 

Pisces: You’ve been waiting for a big event in your life to come for a while now. This month it’s time for you to take action and stop being oblivious to the way your car is falling apart. Go to Whataburger at 3 a.m. and get a patty melt, trust me.


By Maddie Lewis, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Josh Rangel on Unsplash

Slow Fresh Fish Get Fried: Freshman Disastrous Hallway Courtesy

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

The resurgence of an epidemic, something no one wants nor dreams of, yet in this school, we are seeing one of the worst epidemics coming back into the student body’s consciousness. Every weekday morning, I find myself in the same situation, walking slowly behind a dozen freshman obsessed with some new relationship or some coach’s new decree, making me nearly late to class almost every time. Seemingly, they forget that the other 1500 people that attend the school daily actually do not want to be truant and, surprisingly, actually have a place to walk to, something they find unrelatable. 

This epidemic illustrates a constant pressure upon the temples of seniors across the board, a painful reminder that we must share a school with “peers” years younger than ourselves. We need an immediate solution, one that illustrates the entire momentum of the upperclassmen to take down this danger. There is nothing more frustrating than a slow walker and talker, and freshmen provide us with an example of both, as Ludacris said: “Move, freshman! Get out the way!” 

The best solution to this problem is physical persuasion if they don’t be quiet and mince like good little underclassmen.

A poll taken by the Political Science class of the seniors shows that over 96% believe that freshmen stopping in the hallway illustrates a problem and 88% think that the freshmen should be steeply punished for their hallway infractions. With hallway traffic so congested, it makes Austin rush hour look like a stroll through a park. These massive numbers just further provide us with reason to take this corridor pollution to the trash. We cannot sit idly by and not help future generations (and our present selves) hail down the freshmen with all our strength to make certain we are not annoyed by them any longer.

This epidemic also shows us that in emergencies, the freaked out freshmen will simply cosplay as a Medusa garden gnome and leave all of the upperclassmen stranded. Forget weaponry or bad standardized test scores, freshmen could prove to be the most dangerous thing that faces us on the daily, a stopgap to securing our academic bag. Do we possibly want to live in a constant state of hysteria that we might become trapped by 14-year-olds obsessed with Riverdale? 

Some may argue, “Is discriminating and showing malevolent tendencies toward the freshman considered vigilantism and hate crime?” And to that I must propose, is cleaning up litter and throwing it in the recycling bin considered a hate attack against the litter? 

Why couldn’t the chicken cross the hallway? Because the freshmen were walking too slow and Colonel Sanders caught up. Freshmen illustrate a bane of school society that communes with danger like Joseph Stalin, yet, because we view them as allies, we do not process a reciprocation to their actions. So, the next time a freshman walks in front of me at a speed a tortoise would be jealous of, don’t be surprised to see me clothesline them.

By Ethan Everman, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Savannah Karas

We Have It When We Had It: Parking Banned Starting April 1

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Parking has been a problem all year. The administration has been desperately looking for answers, as over half of D lot has been lost due to construction. After the opening of the band lot, and then, to the frustration of many students, the parallel parking was removed, parking has become a nightmare. Cornerstone students find themselves sprinting to class after spending ten minutes looking for parking. Students are asking, “where do we park?”

In an effort to curb the problem, the DSISD board has stepped in and eliminated all parking on campus. Taking effect April 1, students will not be allowed to park anywhere in the school grounds, even if they have a parking pass. Students will not be refunded for their passes.

However, about half of the student body drives themselves to school, with many juniors and seniors having off periods.

“We have heard way too much about parking problems at the high school, so we just ended it,” said parking coordinator Scott Asphalt.

The new parking plan follows as so. Students who won B lot spots will now park at O’Reilly Auto Parts, and get a shuttle to class from 8:15-9:30. 

What was once the famous C lot, has now been relocated to Whataburger, and the band lot is now Cowgirl’s and Lace. D lot has been moved to HEB, but only 59 spots are available. What was once the field house parking spaces, is now DSYSA soccer fields, but students who park on the grass will be towed by the park committee. The softball/baseball parking lot has been relocated to the YMCA. The parking lot behind the stadium, the once feared lot for it’s distance from the school, has been moved to the Dollar General parking area. Shuttles will run from 8:00-10:00, and from 2:38-4:30 from all locations and they do not extra runs. 

“I’m just sick of fighting for parking every day so if this solves it then I am all for it,” junior Peace Crash said. “It’s just crazy out there! People are getting swiped left and right.”

But what happens if all of these spots have been filled? Overflow is at the Belterra Rec Center. No shuttles are available.

The lot’s will not be solely for students, as these areas still need to be open for the general public. 

“I’m pissed,” senior Mayfield Done said. “The board won’t listen to the students. And now this? I’m glad I’ll be gone by May.” 

Many may be wondering, what will the now empty parking spots be used for? Well, the field house lot will become a lounge for the football team, to prep them for their upcoming 2020 season. D lot has been opened to parents and family to tailgate till the start of fall sports. 

B lot and C lot will be used for temporary classrooms as the school’s population is expanding rapidly. DSISD predicts that up to twenty classrooms can be made in these lots. Band lot will be used for various clubs, like the skateboard club, until the band starts back up in the summer.

There is no further word on if parking will be reinstated for the 2020-2021 school year. However with the way the parking situation has been going it isn’t likely.


By Cady Russell, Online and Social Media Editor

Featured photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash

Chip'it or Ticket: Hallway Passes Traded for Microchips

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Taking the place of hallpasses, students will be chipped starting April 1 in order to keep better track of students whereabouts on campus.

“I’ve noticed for a while now that students are still roaming the halls despite the institution of hallpasses,” teacher Rebecca Superstrict said. “I am glad that students will be chipped and I’m confident that this change will be for the better.”

The chips will track students location during school hours and are set power off at 4:15 everyday.

“I think it’s really creepy and a huge violation of privacy that the school is going to be tracking us,” sophomore Lucy Skipsalot said. “How am I going circle the halls during geometry now?”

In an effort to subsidize the cost of these devices, parents are offered the option to purchase access to the student’s location and extend the tracking hours.

“I am opting for the afterhours add on,” parent Helen Copter said. “I’m more than happy to cancel our Life360 plan to support this cause.”

In response to this new policy, students have organized various protests and taken action into their own hands.

“We’ll be handing out miniature magnets to throw the chips off,” protest organizer junior Jenny Junior said. “The students have to stick together during these times and show the school that we won’t forfeit our rights.”

If a student exits the hallway of whichever class they are supposed to be in, the chips send an alert to their current teacher and assistant principal.

“I think it is so unfair that we’re being chipped,” freshman Keith Grounded said. “Just because I have 32 unexcused absences this semester doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible.”

Students are expected to report to the assistant principals office starting April 1st to be chipped and placed in the system.

“Some students and I plan to stage a sit in at the assistant principals office in order to prevent any students from being chipped,” Jenny Junior said. “We as students need to stand together, and against chips.”


By Tessa Stigler, Editor-in-Chief

Featured photo by Cady Russell