Category Archives: Satire

Public School is Not a Waste of Time

To many teenagers, going to school is a waste of time. Why should students have to wake up at the crack of dawn to sit down for 8 hours 5 days a week? 

But students do learn many life skills at school. Some include sleeping (children need their beauty sleep to thrive in adulthood), texting (children should learn how to communicate properly), sitting (good posture is a looked up upon in society), and walking through the maze of hallways (gotta learn those directions!).

Many classes are offered to students. Just many are not appreciated. Lunch is a favorite, enjoyed by many. Students do learn how to have fun in their core classes though. Skillfully, students have learned how to pass notes around the entire class if grounded from Snapchat, sharpening their sneakiness. 

Students do become more creative in their new form of condensed language. Language such as, “Sup, bro?,” “dope,” or “that’s fire” can be heard through the hallways. Students practice the art of self defense in the hallways. It can get quite rowdy, students push and shove (sometimes scratch) their ways through the hallways to make the bell.

Students can learn how to count time, for each tick of the clock marks when they can finally go home and move from a medium-sized screen to a bigger screen only to get distracted by a tiny screen. 

By Brooklyn Hagblom, staff writer

Featured photo by MChe Lee on Unsplash

After Perfecting Every Other Music Genre, Taylor Swift Creates Her Own

Using a unique mixture of soft heavy metal, pungent disco tech, frisky jazz, industrial gospel, and gentle dubstep, Swift creates her genre, “woahlore.”

     The singer-songwriter has been in the music industry for 14 years, and she has an estimated net worth of  $365 Million. Swift has won 32 separate awards making her one of the most awarded AMA female artists.

     “When I first heard the news, I fainted and was placed in ICU due to the seven-day coma I fell into,”  intense superfan Cimothee Thalamet said.

     The artist has dabbled in many different genres such as country, country pop, country rock, contemporary country, bluegrass, pop, folk, folk-pop, electropop, synth-pop, pop-rock, dream pop, dance-pop, soft rock, alternative rock, pop-punk, R&B, indie pop, and Indie Folk. Nevertheless, she still yearns for more. 

     “Tylor was becoming bored with these genre barriers, so that is when the idea of woahlore came to us after a night of drinking lavender oat milk lattes,” Taylors producer Forrest Gump said. 

    Swift has nine studio albums, one re-recorded album, three live albums, and 12 extended plays. There are 42 country songs, 53 pop songs, eight rock songs, and four r&b songs within those releases.  The new genre’s debut will be in the form of seven studio albums, each including one 17 minute song.

     “Taylor is so flawless, but I was getting bored with the lack of new music recently so that these new releases will tie me over for the next few days,” Thalamet said. “I have heard rumors that if you listen to woahlore with AirPods, is it supposed to open your third eye.”

     Fans on every form of social media are going ballistic after Swift revealed her release plans by posting a neon green square on her Instagram.

     “Taylor and I did not leave the studio for eight days straight, no sleeping, no eating, no crying. However, all those hours that I didn’t think I would make it through were worth it,” Gump said. “This new creation will change music forever; I look forward to seeing what other musicians do with woahlore.”

By Tia Davison, Entertainment Editor

Putt-Putt Swing & Miss

As of March 23, DSISD has confirmed that they will not be adding a golf team to the school’s athletic program. This is due to the fact that few students were interested, as well as the lack of support from the community. 

The school’s athletic board has deemed the mini-golf team unnecessary due to the fact that it has been able to strive on its own for the past couple of years. They also have to take into consideration the district budget for school-funded athletics. 

“The mini-golf team has been self-sufficient for years now,”  the head of the district’s athletic board, Chad Bolton said, “and with the new schools being built, we need to distribute our funds with caution.”

The school’s mini-golf team, however, is not entirely upset by this verdict, because it has the opportunity to take more electives rather than an athletic block, and allows them to have more flexibility in their schedules. Many of the team members enjoy being able to take their sport away from school and leave all their worries on the field.

“I like being able to take other classes and not have to stay after school,” said mini-golf team captain Makenna Connor, “especially getting to go home after school and before games is something I really enjoy; taking a break and then getting ready for mini-golf helps me separate my school and my athletics, not to mention all the extra stuff I would have at school.” 

While the team is self-sufficient and less time-consuming than an activity such as a club team, getting it funded by the school would allow more students to join who wouldn’t have been able to because of cost. It would also give the team more publicity and encourage more people to join. Many students had no idea that there was a mini-golf team.

“Obviously we love our flexible schedule and our little community, but in order for this team to keep it up, we need more participants,” Mini-Golf coach Maria Wesley said, “we have more seniors leaving than incoming freshman each year so we need something to happen, especially if we want to have a JV team for beginners.”

The mini-golf team will not be a part of the athletic schedule this year, but the team does need more members and supporters to continue in future years. If you are interested in an athletic program with a flexible schedule, consider joining the school’s mini-golf club team. Even if you aren’t interested, be sure to spread the word and support them at their tournaments. 

By Mallory Neff, staff writer

Featured photo by Angela Tennison

All in One- 2021: Every Sports Event Will be Held at Home At Once

With the loss of so many games, meets, and competitions to COVID-19, the school is looking for a way to make up the missed opportunities to current students, and are launching the first-ever “All in One: 2021” sports event, which aims to host every single sport in one day, not only to make up lost events but to limit the travel of the countless sports teams at DSHS. 

“This is a massive undertaking DSHS is doing,” Athleica Sporten, Head Sports Administrator said, “but we owe it to the kids. We’ve talked with coaches about what is needed for this day, and we think the modifications coming to DSHS will do the trick.”

By modifications, Sporten means that every sport without the current ability to be held on campus will receive that ability. Golf for example is having a makeshift, 18-hole course put in around the school, with some crazy holes. Hole 9 goes through the PAC while Hole 18 ends on the top of the new J-Wing. 

“I know that they’re importing a massive, blow-up pool for swim team, and I can’t say I’ve ever swum in a pool like that competitively, but maybe we’ll finally be recognized for swim team’s accomplishments,” varsity swimmer Freelyn Style, junior, said. 

For many sports, they hope that this event will bring in enough money to get new uniforms and more, and maybe get a couple of new fans.

“I can’t believe it’s going to happen,” sophomore JV wrestler Brady Dempsey said, “After they just canceled everything last year, and lots of sports languished if they didn’t make a bunch of money, they’re actually hosting all of this at once!”

Starting at 12 a.m. on April 1, and lasting until midnight, all the sports will be competing. Varsity football has a game to kick off the event, followed by both girls and boys soccer in Tiger Stadium. Track and field will be happening all day, with both boys and girls lacrosse happening in the middle of the track.

“We’ve been practicing track with lacrosse in the middle and it’s kind of wild,” varsity runner Heedle Sprient, senior, said. “I never thought I would be jumping hurdles while dodging lacrosse balls, but I’m glad I get to run.”

For cross country, the team will have to avoid more than just lacrosse balls, running through and around the school for their races. Dodging golfs balls, getting splashed by swim, leaping over basketballs, are all things that may be in the race for runners. 

“It feels less like a cross country race and more like an obstacle course, but we’re fast enough that I doubt it will be an issue,” varsity runner Di’stance Trailen said. 

The gyms will also be packed all day, with intermixed volleyball and basketball games in all gyms for both girls and boys. One major modification is that the gym roof will open, to allow maximum airflow to mitigate COVID-19 exposure. 

“With the gyms being filled all day, they’re making a whole makeshift gym in the band lot for wrestling,” Dempsey said. “I really appreciate them not forgetting us this time, and letting us compete.”

The newer sports complexes are what really allow this massive sports event to happen. With longer games like softball and baseball, their exclusive arenas allow them to take up the full 24 hours allotted for the event.

“I am a little worried that the games won’t go fast enough when it comes to softball and baseball,” head softball coach Dot Batterne said, “but we have plans to spill into the field behind the AG barn if needed or take up the parking lot. If that happens I predict a lot of broken windshields.”

Similarly, tennis and powerlifting will have the least amount of changes, with several tennis courts already built and two weight rooms for powerlifting. The field house parking lot has been reserved for makeshift tennis courts and the sidewalks by Tiger Stadium have makeshift powerlifting sets. 

“It’s going to be kind of crazy, but I think for the first time the school is caring about smaller sports, and caring about everyone equally,” Style said. “I’m excited to show everyone just how good we are and that we care about making up these events.”

By Cady Russell, Sports Editor and Online Editor-in-Chief

Featured photo by Jessica Stamp

AG Building Burns, Classes to be Shared With Animals

The AG building caught fire and burnt to the ground, on March 31 due to an electrical error. Luckily, all the animals were safely evacuated before the fire got out of hand.  Due to the fire the main building classrooms will have to share space so that the AG students can have a place to keep their animals while the new barn is being built. 

“At first I thought it was a crazy idea to share my classroom with animals.” English teacher Michelle Adams said, “After several days of having cows moved into my classroom, I got kind of used to it. In fact, the cows are so laid back that they will let the students sit on them and do their work.” 

It has been encouraging to see both teachers and students accepting and adapting to this challenge. Where there have been some difficulties in the transition, it is appreciated that everyone is trying their best. 

“It was not very easy at first sharing my classroom with goats,” Art teacher Danny Detino said, “because, I would leave for lunch and when I got back a lot of my students’ art work would be eaten. It was frustrating and it took a lot of yelling, but me and the goats have come to an agreement that if I bring them hay or grain every other day then they would stop eating my students’ work.”

Everyone seems to be embracing this new adjustment pretty easily. Hopefully, the ag barn will be up and running as soon as possible. 

“Personally, I love having animals in my classes.” Junior Taylor Tay said. “They are kind of like emotional support animals. If it was up to me I would keep them in here.”

By Evelyn Peterson, Co Editor-in-Chief

Featured photo by Alana Bruni

Breaking News: Rare Albino Squirrel Sighting

 Freshman Hailey Harris reports that she saw a white squirrel in the school’s courtyard. While she initially reported seeing an ‘albino’ squirrel, further investigation suggests that this was a simple fox squirrel with rare coloring. 

Harris said “the squirrel I saw looked full-grown, and when it ran past me, through the trees above me, all I saw was a white animal hopping. Its fur was so bright and sleek, so I thought I should try and see what it was.”

When she found it, she had realized what it was and reported it to one of her friends, who works in the student media department at the school. Next time you walk through the courtyard, keep your eye out for the school’s ‘albino’ squirrel, who has since been named April Fools. But you can call her April for short.

By Mallory Neff, staff writer

Featured photo by Geran de Klerk on Unsplash

Flat Stanley Enrolled in DSHS

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Everyone fell silent as he walked in. Eyes grew wide, hearts skipped a beat, eyebrows raised all around the high school when he entered from the main office. Everyone was shocked and delighted to see our newest student grace the hallways: Flat Stanley, with the sun resting beautifully upon his two-dimensional locks of hair.

In March, the high school welcomed senior Flat Stanley to the community with open arms, promising to foster an environment that would be conducive to his growth as a student. Already, we are seeing his talents shine. 

“First, I would just like to thank everyone for being so friendly,” said Stanley. He checks his watch; he has an interview with Yale shortly, but graciously agreed to an interview with the Paw Print. Whenever he checks it, the movement throws the watch off his flat, paper-like wrist and he awkwardly reaches down to grab it, which is difficult due to his flimsy fingers. 

Even though Stanley has been enrolled for just a few months, he has risen to popularity within the school both because of his confident and charming nature and his sharp intellect that shows through his classwork. 

“I think that this has been the right academic atmosphere for me to prosper,” said Stanley.
“The classes that I’m taking are incredibly challenging, but the teachers at the high school are so helpful.” 

Stanley is taking seven AP classes this year and a Cornerstone, where he interns at both NASA and the CDC. At NASA, he takes it upon himself to provide fixes to problems with some of the spacecrafts, even discovering the underlying cause of the 1986 Challenger explosion; in his free time, he helps the CDC develop a vaccine for the deadly coronavirus.

“If I just put my heart into it, all of these things are easy for me,” Stanley said of his classwork and his internships. “I guess the hardest thing for me is finding transportation to all of my activities, because, well, you know.” He points to his feet, which are about as thick and substantial as construction paper, that could hardly press the gas pedal hard enough to go two miles per hour. 

Despite his clear prowess in just about everything, there are some students who doubt Stanley’s achievements. 

“I just don’t understand how he is alive and breathing,” senior and Paw Print Features Editor Katherine Haberman said. “This cannot be real.” 

Haberman has publicly stated that she believes Stanley’s presence at the high school has to be some kind of prank.

“I mean, how do his organs even fit in his body,” Haberman said. “Do they just slide in like an SD card?” 

Haberman has taken it upon herself to thoroughly investigate Stanley, even going so far as to say she will publish an editorial on her findings. Even as I interview Stanley, she watches silently in a nearby bush, thinking we cannot see her. 

“Have you ever seen him drink water?” Haberman said. “Wouldn’t he just fall over and crumple? His body is literally the texture of printer paper.” 

In spite of the delusions of Haberman, who clearly needs to seek psychiatric help, Stanley continues to succeed at the high school, even pursuing a Fulbright scholarship that would allow him to travel around the world and help refugees.

Help refugees?” Haberman said. “He can’t even survive a gust of wind!”

By Madeline Tredway, Staff Writer

Photo by Cady Russell

Pop, Lock, & Pin: Hi-Steppers, Cheer, Wrestling Make New Sport

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

For the fall of 2020 the high school is introducing an entirely new sport called “Spin & Pin”  that involves aspects from cheerleading, high stepping, and wrestling to create a whole new meaning of dance battle.

“I honestly am excited about this,” future player Smashington Brosif said. “I like the more physical aspect about this sport and being allowed to wrestle as a team is intriguing.”

The rules of this sport consist of having two teams that have a dance off across each other and then at the sound of a buzzer the two teams then run at each other and attempt to pin the other teams players. 

“So the main objective is to wrestle and pin the other teams players until there are no more players left to wrestle,” Head Spin & Pin Coach Reeses Witherfork said.

The winner of each Spin & Pin match is determined by the number of players pinned and how the dance routine was scored.

“I think the judges have too much power in this sport on who wins and loses,” current varsity wrestler Edburt John said. “The winner of each competition should be mainly based on the amount of players pinned and very little on the dance routine.”

Many schools in Texas have already stated that they will have a Spin & Pin team in the fall of 2020. The first school to have this sport was The Big Kid School for Big Boys and Girls.

“The sport is very team oriented,” Witherfork said, “if the players dont work together to dance and pin the other team then the match is as good as lost. 

In this sport each week the theme of the dance changes. For instance the first planned Spin & Pin match theme is jazz. 

“Themes really should add a special effect and mood for each match,” wannabe highstepper Stacy McGrady said, “I wouldn’t know though as I have never danced or wrestled in my life. I am extremely excited to try it out though.”

This sport also includes stunts and throws similar to cheerleading except when it comes wrestling time players can launch their own players at the opposing team.

“Dangerous but completely different from other sports,” Witherfork said, “we are going to have to figure out a way to launch players safely granted that there are no forms of pads for this sport.”

Currently there are around 90 participants signed up for this sport. Opening up room for a potential JV to be formed for this sport. 

“The amount of students that signed up for this sport is wild,” back up principal Miss Frizzle said, “I did not expect this at all.”

Spin & Pin is predicted to be the most violent and injury prone sport of the decade according *Insert Sport* Magazine.

“Injuries are just pain kisses,” Witherfork said, “This sport will create a new competitive atmosphere at our school and will be extremely exciting to see how we do in the fall.”

By Grey Patterson, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Cole Ary

Make Way For The King: Football Gets New Field, Other Teams At Expense

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

On March 6 the football staff for the Tigers requested a new two million dollar bond for a new practice field. Offensive Coordinator Hugo Smolhaarms and Defensive-Line Coach Skip D’Leggdeigh were the two envelope-pushers for the new practice field, as they feared for their health.

“I absolutely need a new field,” Smolhaarms said, “I built these calves up from nothing and there’s no way I’m going to let an Astroturf field take away my babies.”

It was apparent that the two coaches were more concerned for their own safety rather than the safety of their players.

“Listen, all spots on the line go four players deep, so if an injury happens it’s no biggie,” D’Leggdeigh said, “However, I’m all we got in terms of coaching so I gotta stay protected.”

Defensive line-man Brady Jockerson wasn’t very happy with his coach following the news.

“Coach is always oiling his body and sweet talking the trainers, he literally puts zero stress on his body, and he’s scared to death that he’s gonna pull something,” Jockerson said, “No wonder we lost in the first round last year.”

I then decided to lurk into Cam Twinagamedo’s lair, Twinagamedo is currently the head football coach and the athletic director for the Tigers.

“I have a lot of money invested into my assistant coaches and when they asked me for the bond, I didn’t hesitate,” Twinagamedo said, “And would you be interested in buying these shoes, I’m a little short on cash, could you maybe put them on your Snaphacks story for like $25?”

In regards to the other sports many programs will be receiving massive cuts.

“It looks like I’ll be practicing in a size small YMCA jersey and coaches old Converses,” 6’11” varsity basketball player Dunk N’Yo Fasche said, “But as long as the football team gets new jerseys every week right?”

Other varsity coaches shared their thoughts as well.

“I’m honestly not surprised,” varsity soccer coach Luis Combover said, “Last year, they made us, the basketball team and the cheer team all share a gym, at the same time, and we went to the third round, not too bad for a team practicing through balls along the baseline.”

Amid Twinagamedo’s announcement, students around the school have started walk-outs as well as riots.

“We will not stand up for this,” varsity swimmer Brees St. Roke said, “I have worked my whole life to become an amazing swimmer, and I won state last year, and now they want to make me swim in 2-foot water? This is so unfair!”

The tennis program was also extremely upset.

“The baseball team had a surplus of bats so AD Twinagamedo decided to sell all of our rackets to Academy for some extra cash,” Won Te Mach said, “So now we have to use bats for our upcoming season, maybe we can get Jose Altuve to come out and help us a little bit.”

So due to all this banter amongst students and faculty, Cam Twinagamedo decided it was time for a statement.

“I just want to start by saying sorry to all the programs that received such harsh cuts, but I assure you that the new practice field will be multi-purposed and will allow for all programs to thrive in this environment, okay sorry over, upon looking into our financial situation we were able to find just the right amount of cash to get our whole team some new Revnon Super-Monster-Killer helmets, at the expense of all other programs, and the highschool will be renamed Dripping Springs School of Football Excellence, thank you and best of luck in your future ventures,” Twinagamedo said.

Following the press statement, all DSSFE students that are not a part of the football department announced that they would be transferring, despite all of their respective departments going further in the playoffs than the football team did.

By Rigley Willis, Sports Editor

Featured photo by Jordan Rowland on Unsplash