Flat Stanley Enrolled in DSHS

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition Everyone fell silent as he walked in. Eyes grew wide, hearts skipped a beat, eyebrows raised all around the high school when he entered from the main office. Everyone was shocked and delighted to see our newest student grace the hallways: Flat Stanley, with the sun resting beautifully upon his two-dimensional locks of hair. In March, the high … Continue reading Flat Stanley Enrolled in DSHS

Pop, Lock, & Pin: Hi-Steppers, Cheer, Wrestling Make New Sport

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition For the fall of 2020 the high school is introducing an entirely new sport called “Spin & Pin”  that involves aspects from cheerleading, high stepping, and wrestling to create a whole new meaning of dance battle. “I honestly am excited about this,” future player Smashington Brosif said. “I like the more physical aspect about this sport and being … Continue reading Pop, Lock, & Pin: Hi-Steppers, Cheer, Wrestling Make New Sport

Make Way For The King: Football Gets New Field, Other Teams At Expense

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition On March 6 the football staff for the Tigers requested a new two million dollar bond for a new practice field. Offensive Coordinator Hugo Smolhaarms and Defensive-Line Coach Skip D’Leggdeigh were the two envelope-pushers for the new practice field, as they feared for their health. “I absolutely need a new field,” Smolhaarms said, “I built these calves up … Continue reading Make Way For The King: Football Gets New Field, Other Teams At Expense

Privacy Removed: Boys Bathroom Stalls Replaced With Air

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition Due to recent vandalization of the boys bathrooms, the school has decided to remove the stalls and place motion sensors in the bathrooms to analyze reckless behavior. The removal of stalls and enforcement of motion sensors is supposed to decrease bad behavior in the boys bathrooms. “I’m not too sure how I feel about it personally,” sophomore The … Continue reading Privacy Removed: Boys Bathroom Stalls Replaced With Air

Student Discovers Underground Artist Barack Obama: Not One Single Soul Has Heard This Man

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition Barack Obama. A name that, despite being vaguely familiar in the political scene, is virtually unknown in the realm of music. A name that, overall, means absolutely nothing to the world’s population –  save for the singular local student who discovered him and his meaningful works.  “I truly do believe that I am the only person who has … Continue reading Student Discovers Underground Artist Barack Obama: Not One Single Soul Has Heard This Man

Parents Take a Stand: Is TikTok a Satanic Hoax?

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition A Tik Tok outbreak is upon us and parents around the globe are questioning the app’s ulterior motives. Is this newfound preteen-dominated app really just for laughs? Or is it tapping into our adolescence’s brains using subliminal messages? Parents are speculating. Here’s the scoop on why parents believe Satan has a hand in this trendy “innocent” app.  To … Continue reading Parents Take a Stand: Is TikTok a Satanic Hoax?

Let Them Drink Iced Coffee: Self-Care Terrorism, French Revolution of 2020 America Exposed

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition “BRATATATATATATATAT.” The sound of rapid-fire words pound against the heads of the students as they find themselves the targets of a self-love terrorist campaign.   Over the past few months, the Serenity club has become synonymous with terror in the high school, committing many acts that have been condemned by the Bureau of Counterterrorism in the State Department. It … Continue reading Let Them Drink Iced Coffee: Self-Care Terrorism, French Revolution of 2020 America Exposed

Gophers Up On the Green: Golfers Terrorized by Rodents

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition With the golf season starting up, our home course Grey Rock Golf Club has been terrorized by hundreds of gophers who are stealing golf balls and tearing up greens. This has caused the team to have to try their best to avoid being a victim of the mischievous vermin.  “The team has been falling behind because of the … Continue reading Gophers Up On the Green: Golfers Terrorized by Rodents

Where's the Goat? Travis Crain Still Missing

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition With the crazy start this school year we are all wondering the same thing, what happened to Coach Travis Crain. It was almost as if he disappeared, one day he was here and contributing to our everyday lives, then the next moment poof, he’s lost and gone. How did it happen? Where did he go? Why has this … Continue reading Where's the Goat? Travis Crain Still Missing

Horoscopes in Retrograde: April Predictions Take Out Everyone

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition April is a month for, like realizing things. So here’s your monthly horoscope, tailored to you from the stars themselves. Aries: You feel trapped in this high school. Maybe it’s that they ran out of paninis freshman year, or that you missed the last pep-rally; either way, it’s time for a change. Since mercury is around, and Jupiter … Continue reading Horoscopes in Retrograde: April Predictions Take Out Everyone