Category Archives: Satire

Know-it-All, or Do They? The Secret Skill of Arguing

Anyone who works with other customers whether it’s a restaurant franchise or a store, you know that you get customers who believe they know everything despite being completely wrong. When going into work, you’re taught the phrase “the customer is always right” to maintain a friendly relationship with your customers so they don’t get angry with you. And for the most part, this little phrase works when the other person (the customer) cooperates nicely with you, but then there’s the customers who aren’t so sweet about it. What is funny is that you get people who come in who are so insistent that they are definitely wrong, except they’re so wrong it’s painful and what’s funny is that you most likely know what you’re doing due to hours of work and training, yet they don’t work there and know what’s true and not. This little phrase is supposed to be harmless, but so far it’s only provided unnecessary anger and fights. Like, sorry Karen, but I think I know the correct price of your food, I’m sorry it’s not good enough for you. So is the customer ever actually right? 

By Sierra Trbovich, staff writer

Featured photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash

Donations for Debt: Solutions to the Ongoing Student Financial Problem

A common cry from the younger people of this country is that they are swimming in student debt, unable to pay it off. Why? Because college is so expensive these days that it seems impossible to pay for it unless you were born into money. Families scramble to scrape every penny they can and for the unlucky students whose family will not help with the cost, are forced to work constantly for even the slightest repreve.

There have been many solutions presented, some more reasonable than others. The idea of free college is intriguing, but if higher education was made accessible for everyone, how would we recruit students into the military right out of high school without the promise of paying for college? How would we keep generations of poorer people in low income, but essential jobs, without the unavailability of a college education. 

Rather than making college free, I present an alternative solution that would benefit not only the students swimming in debt, but also incoming students who want to avoid that debt all together.

You may not be aware, but the human body is an incredibly valuable resource. Many chemicals that are hard to find anywhere else can be harvested from human tissue. And, as I’m sure you are aware, with the current technology we are able to transplant organs from donors into the bodies of people whose organs are not functioning properly. Now typically a donor is someone who had died, but there are several organs that are the exceptions to the rule.

Some scientists estimate that if you were able to harvest every organ and chemical in a human body you would be able to make about $45 million dollars, but, to do so you would have to take some vital organs. However, a single kidney is estimated to go for about $260,000 and a liver can be worth about $560,000. Even a single eye can be about $1,500. Considering that the average student debt is about $33,000, it would provide an alternative to working for the rest of your life to pay it off. If you are in possession of a uterus, you could even make $10,000 per cycle for donating your eggs. And this is just some of the things that can be donated while still alive.

In an added advantage, donating certain organs such as the liver, would inhibit college students’ ability to consume alcohol. If a student had only one kidney after donation, they must take care of that one kidney by eating well and exercising regularly. Classes would not be any more difficult with only one eye, especially classes that do not require precision measurements such as english and business. If limb transplants one day become possible, students would still be able to function well with only one arm or leg.

This method of paying for college or for paying off student loans, offers many benefits to problems that go beyond just college payments. The amount of people waiting for an organ transplant grows each day and is a matter of life and death. College students are young and healthy and a great source of human organs, and would be compensated well for their contributions.

Why complain and worry about the crushing weight of student debt when there is a glaringly obvious solution staring us right in the face. Not only would it save the lives of those desperately in need of a new organ, but would take weight off the students who feel that there is no way to go to college.

By Shelby Johnson, contributing writer

Featured photo by Will Liebe

How Sims 4’s New Update Ruined My Life

The Sims 4 has recently released their craziest update yet, as sims will now have the ability to join you in your house! I first thought this update was a little scary because I’m not sure if I would want some of my sims to be living with me. Some of them are erratic, hot heads, or even mermaids! The reactions have been very split, some love the idea, some hate it, and some are too shocked to have an opinion.

After a few days, I finally opened The Sims with the new update installed. In hindsight, I probably should have looked more into how you choose a sim to live with you, but it’s too
late now! Honestly, I’m not even sure how my sim got picked, but before I knew it a screen popped up telling me to prepare for her arrival! I was a little shocked, but overall kind
of excited. Then, she was in my house, and I was horrified. This wretched woman I am speaking of is named Antoinette Snyder, and she was probably the worst sim that could have come into my house. Antoinette is a kleptomaniac, hot head, and erratic, so at this point I started to realize what I was in for. The moment she ‘woke up’ she started to scream at me, but eventually she calmed down when I told her who I was. I don’t think Antoinette knew that she would be picked either, as she started to ask me questions about where her cats were and if Fifth Harmony would be coming anytime soon. I unfortunately had to tell her no, and she started crying!

It had been a few days with Antoinette, and all of a sudden I started to see her less. I didn’t know where she was going or what she was doing, but I was so glad she finally started to leave me alone after days of her constantly being around me. I walked out into the kitchen to make us lunch, and I noticed really loud sounds coming from under the house. I ignored it at first, but the sounds became louder and more annoying. I wasn’t even really sure how to look since we don’t have a basement, but I went around to the back of the house to see if I could find anything, and there it was. There was a ladder underground, and the tiniest sign that
said The Antoinette Lair. I was in complete shock because in my game, Antoinette has a lair under her house with Fifth Harmony that she hosts the craziest parties in. I reluctantly
climbed down the ladder, and saw almost an exact replica of the Antoinnete lair in my game. Yellow metal floors, a hot spring, a tiny swing, sleeping pods, a food stand, and the biggest arcade games. How did she even do this?

I looked around the room, and spotted her. She was sitting on the tiny swing, flying up to the ceiling. As soon as she saw me she jumped off and started to ask if I loved it. Of course, I lied because Antoinette is known for getting in physical fights with everyone, even Fifth Harmony. She hugged me and began to show me around, and that’s when I noticed the four other people in the room. Somehow, she got past the game’s restrictions of only one sim per household because the Fifth Harmony sims were standing there, all staring at each other and not moving. As I was catching them up on what all is going on, unbeknownst to me, Antoinette locked the door at the top of the ladder. Now, it’s been four weeks
since Antoinette joined my life, and three weeks since I’ve been trapped in the Antoinette lair. The only food we have is from a grill Antoinette put in here, even though it’s not connected to anything to power it, or a way for the smoke to get out. I don’t know how or when I’m going to get out of this lair, but as soon as I do, I’m suing The Sims 4. Antoinette, if you’re reading this, I love you and anything negative I said about you was a lie.

By Abby Tredway, staff writer

Featured photo by Ben Neale on Unsplash

An Easy Way Out: School Introduces New Language Course

For a long while, the language department at DSHS has needed new alternatives to engage and promote audiences. With a vast influx of students taking language merely for the credits, the school has decided to introduce a new language course to fit their needs: Gibberish.

“We’re happily ready to introduce our new course next year,” said the districts page on their website, “we needed to ensure students got the easiest and least rewarding class ever, so they can feel confident that they merely got the credit they deserve!”

Now, Gibberish is exactly what is sounds like. Sounds like “afbwlifbqlib” and “febfohf” will be learned. The class will have students making these complex sounds for the first half of the class period, followed by free time for the rest of the class. 

“Like it was stated,” said the school’s Principal, “we wanted a class that is as not culturally enriching as possible, and one that merely offers the credit so many students want.”

Now, how was gibberish selected as a class? Well, using the main needs of the students already mentioned, Gibberish and languages such as French and Japanese were put up for a vote. Gibberish won overwhelmingly, with most voters citing the need for the credit above all else.

“Why waste our time learning about languages that are popular nowadays,” said a voter on the survey who wishes to be anonymous, “when all we want is the credits?”

Gibberish 1 will be available come next year, and everyone has shown their appreciation that now they have an easy and cheap way out of the language requirement that could’ve opened up so many opportunities in life had there been more investment.

“As long as the students and parents are happy, then we’re proud of our decision,” the school’s Principal said.

By Alec Stuart, News Editor

Cybertruck Overrun: New Tesla Gigafactory Threatens Zilker Park 

Bulldozers and construction equipment have remained at work for months. Crew workers spend their endless days working to build the new Tesla factory, with only the end result as their drive to move forward. As the building continues, we face just one big problem: Zilker park. The once relaxing weekend spot filled with a myriad of people laying on picnic blankets talking with friends as they’d snack had remained the main destination for weekends with friends, walking dogs, or going for a nice morning run. However, with the construction of Tesla’s newest factory in Austin, all of this has changed. Zilker will remain as nothing but a mere memory of the past. Now, it will face abandonment as people will walk the fine trails of GigaTexas, forgetting the existence of the once popular park. 

As announced in the summer of 2020, founder and CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, stated that the building of the Cybertruck factory would see its location in Austin after deciding between Tulsa, Oklahoma and Nashville, Tennessee as well. Last year, Musk claimed that he planned to build a boardwalk with a hiking and biking trail that would open to the public. Zilker, once known for its biking and walking trails, shows many similarities to the Tesla factory. The location of the factory, situated right by the Colorado river, promises a great view of fish and birds. With all of these features, Tesla, soon to become a well known site to the public, estimates its opening in late 2021. With projects like Space-X, the aerospace industry devoted to reducing the  transportation costs of space in order to allow for the colonization of Mars, many fear that Musk will soon find a way to take over the world. But for now, he will take over Zilker. Will the people protect the park and keep it as their weekend location, or will they walk amongst the trails of the GigaFactory instead? 

Texas as we know it will face a great change from the construction of the factory in the transportation field as well, not just ecologically, which will bring forth fear among many Texans. Not only will the site of Zilker lose its popularity and potentially close, but the company plans to dominate the pickup industry in Texas as well. As of now, the market remains dominated by trucks under companies and franchises like Ford, General Motors, Ram, and Toyota. However, with the release of the Cybertruck, many have predicted that many of these companies will face excessive problems with sales and see a decline in their worth with the introduction of the new Tesla plant. It leads one to consider: will Tesla take over the pickup truck craze? Will Tesla control Texas for good? 

Although we fear losing the park that makes Austin unique, we must fight to save it at all costs before it closes. Who knows what Tesla has plans for in the future? If we want to save the solacing location that makes up our weekends we must choose Zilker over Tesla. We must continue to support the park even with the appealing features that GigaTexas offers.

By Sofia Portillo, Features Editor

Featured photo by Bram Van Oost on Unsplash

The Rich Man’s Struggle

Many of the students at Dripping Springs High School were born well off, but what many people don’t understand is the burden of being rich. 

“Being rich is a lot harder than what people are led to believe.” Junior Sara Pinto said. “My mom won’t buy me the new iPhone, but she will spend thousands of dollars on Gucci bags. I feel ignored and undervalued, like I am a person too.” 

The famous and well known saying, “money doesn’t buy happiness” is true at DSHS. 

“Sure my parents own 3 houses, one on Lake Travis, one in Dripping, and the other in Costa Rica. But that does not mean that I am happy. It is such a hassle to have to tell my maid what to pack to go on trips, and the private jet can tend to be a bit cramped on the way there.” Sara said. 

The parents of many students here find that their children should be grateful for their money, and for their status in society. 

“My insta feed is amazing, for I pretty much get everything that I want. Clothes and food, pretty much whatever. However, I have to keep up with how I act online (I have a big platform, I used Daddy’s credit card to buy more followers) because apparently people see me as a spoiled brat.” Sara said. “Just because I have money does not mean I am spoiled, I have to work for everything I get.” 

Sara does not have a job, but she does have to test out new makeup and post about it online.

By Brooklyn Hagblom, staff writer

Harry Styles Shares His Changed Way of Life

Harry Styles is a well known, loved artist within the Dripping Springs community because of his music such as his 2019 album “Fine Line”. He was discovered through his time in the popular boy band One Direction which was and still is quite loved. However, controversy has recently broken out as Styles contradicted one of his hit songs “Treat People with Kindness”. He stated that despite creating a whole song about positivity he himself is actually a pessimist and told people to even treat people as rudely as possible. 

With this news fans from the school had all types of different opinions on the issue. Several people had tried to even overlook this as they are so dedicated to Styles and his life. 

“I love Harry and there is no need to tear him down because of his newest statement. I like to say live, laugh, love, Harry Styles, and if anything it has been an eye opener for me to not be, so nice and to become a worse version of myself,” junior Becky Beckerson said. 

Several other interviews resulted in the same thing as many fans are said to be too blinded by the beauty of Harry Styles. However, some were heartbroken by the news and decided to stop loving Styles. 

“Harry was my life, but I can’t keep up with following someone so evil. He was my light, but I now know that I have to let him go,” sophomore Justice Star said. Fans did realize that life still indeed goes on no matter what Styles says.

With all the fan reactions it also brought up the question that is why Styles wrote the song in the first place. Styles went onto to later explain that he was not the writer in the first place. He actually has an alter ego to put on a face for the public, but now wants to be as authentic and true to himself as possible. He will now go and create music with new ideas reflecting his true personality. 

With the news to his other half he also brought up that he was going to start writing for his next new album that will showcase Barry. The album will include songs about his surprisingly boring childhood, anger towards One Direction band members, and insight into his own mind. Some songs included with the upcoming album are “Treat People with Rudeness”, “Hate can Bring People Together”, and “Dislike You”. These new songs can be found in the album in August 2022. As fans began to find out word of his new album he gained even more supporters than before as some found him even more “relatable”.

“I just can’t believe Harry Styles is going to release yet another amazing album. He is just so talented and deserves the absolute world. I’m so excited to see what his new album will be like, but I’m sure it’ll leave me speechless as always,” senior Pixie Fairy said.

Harry hopes since his new shared news that fans will embrace the new, real him and enjoy his new album as much as fans have enjoyed his others.

By Abby Hernandez, staff writer

Featured photo by Matt Botsford on Unsplash

Exclusive: Ariana Grande Caught Robbing More Popular Brother, Frankie Grande

You heard that right, after years of living in Frankie Grande’s shadow, a source tells us that Ariana was caught robbing her brother Frankie, as she is going through a hard time financially. This source tells us that after her album only got three streams, all of which being from Frankie, she needed some way to find money. She’s lived her whole life in competition with her older brother, and she feels embarrassed that she’s nowhere near as cool or successful as Frankie.

Ariana was found walking outside Frankie’s apartment late at night with a big bag, but as soon as she saw other people she quickly ran to her car. We have reached out to Frankie’s representatives for a comment, but got no response. However, we may have an exclusive interview with Ariana coming soon, as a source said her representative was “going to quit in a few days and wanted to completely kill her career.” It’s unclear whether Ariana will be facing jail time or not, as our only confirmation of this story is from multiple sources that state that they’re close with the family. We will update more as this story develops.

By Abby Tredway, staff writer

Featured photo by Sam Hojati on Unsplash

New Blue Bell Flavors Coming This Summer

Licorice- Everyone’s favorite candy is now an ice cream flavor. Bits and pieces of real black licorice can be found inside as an extra treat!

Sadness- Eating ice cream is what some people do when they are feeling down. Well now you can actually eat your feelings.

Pizza- A delicious tomato flavored ice cream base swirled with grease. Also bits of pepperoni and cheese can be found to really enhance the flavor.

Slush- Ice cream in a whole different way. Now you can get your ice cream in a liquid form in vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.

Water- Now you can get that refreshing taste of water in ice cream form! It allows you to eat ice cream and stay hydrated without the worry of calories.

By Abby Hernandez, staff writer

Featured photo by ian dooley on Unsplash