*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition A Tik Tok outbreak is upon us and parents around the globe are questioning the app’s ulterior motives. Is this newfound preteen-dominated app really just for laughs? Or is it tapping into our adolescence’s brains using subliminal messages? Parents are speculating. Here’s the scoop on why parents believe Satan has a hand in this trendy “innocent” app. To … Continue reading Parents Take a Stand: Is TikTok a Satanic Hoax?
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition “BRATATATATATATATAT.” The sound of rapid-fire words pound against the heads of the students as they find themselves the targets of a self-love terrorist campaign. Over the past few months, the Serenity club has become synonymous with terror in the high school, committing many acts that have been condemned by the Bureau of Counterterrorism in the State Department. It … Continue reading Let Them Drink Iced Coffee: Self-Care Terrorism, French Revolution of 2020 America Exposed
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition With the golf season starting up, our home course Grey Rock Golf Club has been terrorized by hundreds of gophers who are stealing golf balls and tearing up greens. This has caused the team to have to try their best to avoid being a victim of the mischievous vermin. “The team has been falling behind because of the … Continue reading Gophers Up On the Green: Golfers Terrorized by Rodents
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition With the crazy start this school year we are all wondering the same thing, what happened to Coach Travis Crain. It was almost as if he disappeared, one day he was here and contributing to our everyday lives, then the next moment poof, he’s lost and gone. How did it happen? Where did he go? Why has this … Continue reading Where's the Goat? Travis Crain Still Missing
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition April is a month for, like realizing things. So here’s your monthly horoscope, tailored to you from the stars themselves. Aries: You feel trapped in this high school. Maybe it’s that they ran out of paninis freshman year, or that you missed the last pep-rally; either way, it’s time for a change. Since mercury is around, and Jupiter … Continue reading Horoscopes in Retrograde: April Predictions Take Out Everyone
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition The resurgence of an epidemic, something no one wants nor dreams of, yet in this school, we are seeing one of the worst epidemics coming back into the student body’s consciousness. Every weekday morning, I find myself in the same situation, walking slowly behind a dozen freshman obsessed with some new relationship or some coach’s new decree, making … Continue reading Slow Fresh Fish Get Fried: Freshman Disastrous Hallway Courtesy
*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition Parking has been a problem all year. The administration has been desperately looking for answers, as over half of D lot has been lost due to construction. After the opening of the band lot, and then, to the frustration of many students, the parallel parking was removed, parking has become a nightmare. Cornerstone students find themselves sprinting to … Continue reading We Have It When We Had It: Parking Banned Starting April 1