*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition
Everyone fell silent as he walked in. Eyes grew wide, hearts skipped a beat, eyebrows raised all around the high school when he entered from the main office. Everyone was shocked and delighted to see our newest student grace the hallways: Flat Stanley, with the sun resting beautifully upon his two-dimensional locks of hair.
In March, the high school welcomed senior Flat Stanley to the community with open arms, promising to foster an environment that would be conducive to his growth as a student. Already, we are seeing his talents shine.
“First, I would just like to thank everyone for being so friendly,” said Stanley. He checks his watch; he has an interview with Yale shortly, but graciously agreed to an interview with the Paw Print. Whenever he checks it, the movement throws the watch off his flat, paper-like wrist and he awkwardly reaches down to grab it, which is difficult due to his flimsy fingers.
Even though Stanley has been enrolled for just a few months, he has risen to popularity within the school both because of his confident and charming nature and his sharp intellect that shows through his classwork.
“I think that this has been the right academic atmosphere for me to prosper,” said Stanley.
“The classes that I’m taking are incredibly challenging, but the teachers at the high school are so helpful.”
Stanley is taking seven AP classes this year and a Cornerstone, where he interns at both NASA and the CDC. At NASA, he takes it upon himself to provide fixes to problems with some of the spacecrafts, even discovering the underlying cause of the 1986 Challenger explosion; in his free time, he helps the CDC develop a vaccine for the deadly coronavirus.
“If I just put my heart into it, all of these things are easy for me,” Stanley said of his classwork and his internships. “I guess the hardest thing for me is finding transportation to all of my activities, because, well, you know.” He points to his feet, which are about as thick and substantial as construction paper, that could hardly press the gas pedal hard enough to go two miles per hour.
Despite his clear prowess in just about everything, there are some students who doubt Stanley’s achievements.
“I just don’t understand how he is alive and breathing,” senior and Paw Print Features Editor Katherine Haberman said. “This cannot be real.”
Haberman has publicly stated that she believes Stanley’s presence at the high school has to be some kind of prank.
“I mean, how do his organs even fit in his body,” Haberman said. “Do they just slide in like an SD card?”
Haberman has taken it upon herself to thoroughly investigate Stanley, even going so far as to say she will publish an editorial on her findings. Even as I interview Stanley, she watches silently in a nearby bush, thinking we cannot see her.
“Have you ever seen him drink water?” Haberman said. “Wouldn’t he just fall over and crumple? His body is literally the texture of printer paper.”
In spite of the delusions of Haberman, who clearly needs to seek psychiatric help, Stanley continues to succeed at the high school, even pursuing a Fulbright scholarship that would allow him to travel around the world and help refugees.
“Help refugees?” Haberman said. “He can’t even survive a gust of wind!”
By Madeline Tredway, Staff Writer
Photo by Cady Russell