*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Due to recent vandalization of the boys bathrooms, the school has decided to remove the stalls and place motion sensors in the bathrooms to analyze reckless behavior. The removal of stalls and enforcement of motion sensors is supposed to decrease bad behavior in the boys bathrooms.

“I’m not too sure how I feel about it personally,” sophomore The Jackson Four said. “I always liked my privacy while I did my business. However, I did dislike the vandalism it really gave me the frowny brownies when I saw them.”

The start of the vandalism crimes originated in the B hall boys bathroom where the damage was so significant a hazmat team of exactly 14 individuals had to work on restoring and sanitizing the bathroom for an entire week.

“Vandalism has spread throughout the schools boys bathrooms as the most recent instance was in the C hall bathroom,” Third String Principle Boog McSquizzy said. “I fully believe that the removal of stalls and emplacement of motion sensors will stop vandalism in bathrooms entirely. I especially like the idea of no stalls because it promotes communication among the students. As I have noticed myself that the bathrooms are awfully quiet and I do enjoy a good conversation.”

The removal of stalls is set to happen after spring break along with the enforcement of motion sensors. The motion sensors are designed to track movement that resemble movements of vandalism. 

“I’m not entirely sure how well this new bathroom layout would work as I personally like the stalls,” junior Timmy Thick said. “The motion sensors also bother me as I feel that they would go off on any type of movement.”

According to McSquizzy, this new bathroom layout is an experiment and if it goes poorly then the stalls will be added back into the schools bathrooms. 

“All in all the school has to do something to stop the vandalistic behavior in the boys bathrooms,” McSquizzy said. “This minor change in the bathroom layout just might be the stopping force we need for the vandalistic behavior.”

---

By Grey Patterson, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash