*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition
On March 6 the football staff for the Tigers requested a new two million dollar bond for a new practice field. Offensive Coordinator Hugo Smolhaarms and Defensive-Line Coach Skip D’Leggdeigh were the two envelope-pushers for the new practice field, as they feared for their health.
“I absolutely need a new field,” Smolhaarms said, “I built these calves up from nothing and there’s no way I’m going to let an Astroturf field take away my babies.”
It was apparent that the two coaches were more concerned for their own safety rather than the safety of their players.
“Listen, all spots on the line go four players deep, so if an injury happens it’s no biggie,” D’Leggdeigh said, “However, I’m all we got in terms of coaching so I gotta stay protected.”
Defensive line-man Brady Jockerson wasn’t very happy with his coach following the news.
“Coach is always oiling his body and sweet talking the trainers, he literally puts zero stress on his body, and he’s scared to death that he’s gonna pull something,” Jockerson said, “No wonder we lost in the first round last year.”
I then decided to lurk into Cam Twinagamedo’s lair, Twinagamedo is currently the head football coach and the athletic director for the Tigers.
“I have a lot of money invested into my assistant coaches and when they asked me for the bond, I didn’t hesitate,” Twinagamedo said, “And would you be interested in buying these shoes, I’m a little short on cash, could you maybe put them on your Snaphacks story for like $25?”
In regards to the other sports many programs will be receiving massive cuts.
“It looks like I’ll be practicing in a size small YMCA jersey and coaches old Converses,” 6’11” varsity basketball player Dunk N’Yo Fasche said, “But as long as the football team gets new jerseys every week right?”
Other varsity coaches shared their thoughts as well.
“I’m honestly not surprised,” varsity soccer coach Luis Combover said, “Last year, they made us, the basketball team and the cheer team all share a gym, at the same time, and we went to the third round, not too bad for a team practicing through balls along the baseline.”
Amid Twinagamedo’s announcement, students around the school have started walk-outs as well as riots.
“We will not stand up for this,” varsity swimmer Brees St. Roke said, “I have worked my whole life to become an amazing swimmer, and I won state last year, and now they want to make me swim in 2-foot water? This is so unfair!”
The tennis program was also extremely upset.
“The baseball team had a surplus of bats so AD Twinagamedo decided to sell all of our rackets to Academy for some extra cash,” Won Te Mach said, “So now we have to use bats for our upcoming season, maybe we can get Jose Altuve to come out and help us a little bit.”
So due to all this banter amongst students and faculty, Cam Twinagamedo decided it was time for a statement.
“I just want to start by saying sorry to all the programs that received such harsh cuts, but I assure you that the new practice field will be multi-purposed and will allow for all programs to thrive in this environment, okay sorry over, upon looking into our financial situation we were able to find just the right amount of cash to get our whole team some new Revnon Super-Monster-Killer helmets, at the expense of all other programs, and the highschool will be renamed Dripping Springs School of Football Excellence, thank you and best of luck in your future ventures,” Twinagamedo said.
Following the press statement, all DSSFE students that are not a part of the football department announced that they would be transferring, despite all of their respective departments going further in the playoffs than the football team did.
By Rigley Willis, Sports Editor