*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition
Barack Obama. A name that, despite being vaguely familiar in the political scene, is virtually unknown in the realm of music. A name that, overall, means absolutely nothing to the world’s population – save for the singular local student who discovered him and his meaningful works.
“I truly do believe that I am the only person who has ever heard of Barack Obama,” sophomore Indie Anna Jones said, waving her blonde locks in the wind and flashing a knowing smirk. “He’s literally so underground that I had to dig a hole 70 feet deep to discover him.”
Jones, who is known throughout the community in no way, came across this new artist while surfing SoundCloud. If it wasn’t for her own newly released lo-fi disco indie underground single, she wouldn’t have even been on the app in the first place.
“I just really vibe with artists that no one knows about,” Jones said. “There’s something about being so above my peers in my knowledge of music that makes it absolutely thrilling to search the deep recesses of music apps in order to find mediocre songs that I can brag about knowing.”
When cross-surfing multiple platforms, Jones became the first human being to ever see Obama’s name. Though she really wasn’t a huge fan of his music, the fact that literally no one had ever heard him made his debut album that much more appealing in her eyes.
“Obama is my favorite artist of all time,” Jones said. “He’s just so mysterious – it’s like there’s no personal information about him anywhere. I mean I haven’t actually googled him yet, but I’m positive he’s completely under the radar.
Jones has yet to decide on her favorite song off of the album. When asked this seemingly simple question, her eyes took on a frightened glaze as if she was bracing for interrogation.
“I’m so sorry, this is just really putting me on the spot right now,” Jones said. “I’ve really only listened to the album a few times, so I don’t actually know the names super well. But I swear I’m still his biggest and only fan!”
Obama’s debut album (the name of which must remain undisclosed so as to not introduce him to the masses) gives new meaning to the term underground. No singular artist has ever been deemed this unknown before – or so we thought.
“I don’t know a single person who doesn’t know Barack Obama,” Jones’s ‘friend,’ sophomore Deb Specter said. “Indie Anna just wants everyone to think she has the most obscure taste. Which she doesn’t. And no offense, but please do not listen to her SoundCloud. It will only make her more powerful.”
When asked about Specter’s response to her own claims, Jones immediately quieted. As her face grew continuously more red, it was nearly impossible to keep Jones’s self-righteous anger from bubbling over.
“Deb doesn’t understand,” Jones said. “From my experience, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. And his hardest battle by far was choosing me to deliver the news of Obama’s debut album to the world while also making sure that I get the credit I deserve.”
Though we are currently confused as to whether or not Jones was legitimately serious about claiming Obama’s fame, one thing is for sure: Barack Obama’s debut album is a smash hit, and was not meant solely for Jones’s ears.
“Please just let me have this,” Jones said. “Obama was my discovery, and I will take that to my grave. Also, stream my debut single on SoundCloud!”
By Katie Haberman, Feature Haberman