Let Them Drink Iced Coffee: Self-Care Terrorism, French Revolution of 2020 America Exposed

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

“BRATATATATATATATAT.”

The sound of rapid-fire words pound against the heads of the students as they find themselves the targets of a self-love terrorist campaign.  

Over the past few months, the Serenity club has become synonymous with terror in the high school, committing many acts that have been condemned by the Bureau of Counterterrorism in the State Department. It was initially identified through the violent propaganda slurs used during the self-care march, namely malevolent statements like “Sleeping at least 8 hours will do you good!” or “Take a break from social media!”

“In truth, I have no idea who is behind the attacks,” senior Kimmy Jong Oof said. “However, these faceless attacks have severely disrupted the entirety of school society and I am personally victimized. How plausible can it be for me to be able to partake in my Juuling and bullying in this social climate?” 

The terrorist attacks came to head during the lunch periods of February 14, where members of the club threw heart-shaped bath bombs for “me time” at students passing in the hallways. The administration was forced to call in SWAT, which used anti-self-love slander to scare the members away, ensuring the safety of the school.

“I was absolutely horrified you know? Darling, I had never been more scared for my low self-esteem than at that moment,” district administrator Kathy-Sue Barbara Louise LaChyenneBlanche said. “You never know what you are going to do in those kinds of situations and for a moment I thought of running from the attack and leaving the students behind.” 

In the end, over 200 students were affected by the attack, citing different difficulties like decreased anxiety and heightened mood. Shocking many, the attack became a rallying cry for the extremists who back the group and what they stand for.

“We are here to make every person in a hundred-mile radius love themselves,” junior Anne Arkie said. “I am not playing around when I say that we will not stop until every individual spends one night a week logging off of Twitter and drawing a rosewater bubble bath, while tweeting #Self-CareSundays.”

On Sunday, the president of the extremist group gave a public dissertation of the state of affairs within the group and just what they want to expand moving forward. With massive viewers such as the Department of Homeland Security and the Lieutenant Governor of Texas watching, the majority of the region held their breath.

“As I awake and find my way stumbling to the nearest iced coffee dealer,” President Madison Lewis said, “I become aware of the total state of disaster our mental narcissism proves to be. I find it personally offensive how teachers do not feel as though it is necessary to skip class to make up for lost sleep, for they must know and realize the impact of less than enough sleep at night.”

The labeling of Serenity as a terrorist group became national news, with high profile sources like New York Times and The Washington Post picking up the story and United Nations responding to the situation by condemning the group. 

“We will be the iceberg to society’s Titanic and I, Rose, will be the person to push all of the haters off of my door,” Lewis said. “After spending time in the sun and letting my crippling depression ruin my life, I sit down and contemplate how I can help everyone else achieve the best of their mental self’s greatest dreams. ‘Self-care is harder than DJ Khaled playing the quiet game’ or whatever Tyler the Creator said.”


By Ethan Everman, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Enrique Bermudez

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