Gophers Up On the Green: Golfers Terrorized by Rodents

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

With the golf season starting up, our home course Grey Rock Golf Club has been terrorized by hundreds of gophers who are stealing golf balls and tearing up greens. This has caused the team to have to try their best to avoid being a victim of the mischievous vermin. 

“The team has been falling behind because of the gophers being a severe disturbance on the course during our practices,” Coach Trailing said.

With this being a factor, pest control is doing the best they can to make golf playable again at Grey Rock. They are still trying to find the source but beliefs are they were planted by someone. This has caused great commotion all around the golf community in Drip. There is no true explanation for the extreme curiosity of these little pests and their unsuspected population.

“All I want is to play my golf in peace without any of this worry about my ball potentially getting taken by some stupid gopher,” Tye Complain said.

The team is going to have to wait for the gophers to be removed to get quality practice and at this point no one knows when the devastation will end. The gophers have just come and they don’t look like they want to go anywhere else. At this point we might as well tell the golf team that they won’t be having a team this year.

“I don’t want to hear anymore about these gophers, all I want is all of them permanently removed from my golf course,” Jake Firm said.

No one knows what the true fate of the team will be. They may even cease to exist and no longer be able to show their skill with a club and a ball. If this terror continues there will be no more drives down the fairway and chips out of the sand. These gophers could be the end of golf as we know it, put the players whose favorite drink is an Arnold Palmer on our minds as they can no longer find that ball they hit. 


 By Grant Williams, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Angela Tennison

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