Horoscopes in Retrograde: April Predictions Take Out Everyone

*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

April is a month for, like realizing things. So here’s your monthly horoscope, tailored to you from the stars themselves.

Aries: You feel trapped in this high school. Maybe it’s that they ran out of paninis freshman year, or that you missed the last pep-rally; either way, it’s time for a change. Since mercury is around, and Jupiter is somewhere as well, you could possibly be okay this month. So keep on keeping on, because this week brings water to the fire sign you have already in your stars, and that means something.

Taurus: Don’t go around Whataburger this week. Trust me. 

Gemini: The sun is making it’s way around and you can feel the heat approaching your zodiac. This is making you feel surprised by the things that occur this month. Don’t feel shocked when Coach Harlicker gives you a pop quiz; you knew that was his ulterior motive all along. Take April one day at a time and make sure you say what you mean but not to feel too understandable. 

Cancer: You’re feeling overwhelmed this month. Make sure you stay open-minded and don’t crawl into any small confined spaces – no matter how much you want to, I know you want to see what the janitor’s closet looks like. Just don’t. Mars in April retrograde sign can be deceitful. So pay attention to that. 

Leo: Go to HEB on Wednesday. We need eggs.

Virgo: You can’t decide what you want for lunch. This month, try to be decisive instead and keep an open mind about the local Taco Bell. The meat is probably fake, but then again so are all of these horoscopes. 

Libra: Your moon rising star is doing good. You need to stay open-minded and you’ll probably have the flu by Friday. 

Scorpio: Make a grilled cheese, it will open your rising moon to new qualities of life. And if you’re vegan, go and remind more people of this fact. 

Sagittarius: Don’t be oblivious this month. Your subconscious and conscious mind have been trying to tell you something very important for twenty-two days now. But don’t listen too closely: your mind can deceive you. The Mars planet encrustations planted in your stars will tell you to say something, but maybe just think it instead. Also, we’re out of milk. 

Capricorn: You’re feeling a sense of distraction this week, don’t do that anymore. Take a hold of your moon planet and make sure to appreciate and show affection to your stars this week. The people around you are trying to tell you not to cut your bangs, but your 4 a.m. Frank Ocean self says you should anyway. Think about that. 

Aquarius: This month your rising sign is giving you a sense of direction this week. Since your moon sign is around, and your rising sign is prevalent this week, the milk in your fridge could have gone bad – unless you drink almond milk. If that is the case, carry on. 

Pisces: You’ve been waiting for a big event in your life to come for a while now. This month it’s time for you to take action and stop being oblivious to the way your car is falling apart. Go to Whataburger at 3 a.m. and get a patty melt, trust me.


By Maddie Lewis, Staff Writer

Featured photo by Josh Rangel on Unsplash

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