*originally appearing in satirical April 1 edition

Taking the place of hallpasses, students will be chipped starting April 1 in order to keep better track of students whereabouts on campus.

“I’ve noticed for a while now that students are still roaming the halls despite the institution of hallpasses,” teacher Rebecca Superstrict said. “I am glad that students will be chipped and I’m confident that this change will be for the better.”

The chips will track students location during school hours and are set power off at 4:15 everyday.

“I think it’s really creepy and a huge violation of privacy that the school is going to be tracking us,” sophomore Lucy Skipsalot said. “How am I going circle the halls during geometry now?”

In an effort to subsidize the cost of these devices, parents are offered the option to purchase access to the student’s location and extend the tracking hours.

“I am opting for the afterhours add on,” parent Helen Copter said. “I’m more than happy to cancel our Life360 plan to support this cause.”

In response to this new policy, students have organized various protests and taken action into their own hands.

“We’ll be handing out miniature magnets to throw the chips off,” protest organizer junior Jenny Junior said. “The students have to stick together during these times and show the school that we won’t forfeit our rights.”

If a student exits the hallway of whichever class they are supposed to be in, the chips send an alert to their current teacher and assistant principal.

“I think it is so unfair that we’re being chipped,” freshman Keith Grounded said. “Just because I have 32 unexcused absences this semester doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible.”

Students are expected to report to the assistant principals office starting April 1st to be chipped and placed in the system.

“Some students and I plan to stage a sit in at the assistant principals office in order to prevent any students from being chipped,” Jenny Junior said. “We as students need to stand together, and against chips.”

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By Tessa Stigler, Editor-in-Chief

Featured photo by Cady Russell