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Rylee Matousek, online editor & staff writer, poses with her two body length mums

The Homecoming Hypocrite, the Mum-mified Maniac, the Dance Deceptionist. These names and many more have befallen upon that of Staff Writer and Online Editor Rylee Matousek after posting an opinion story on the over-emphasis of mums, then showing up to school with not one, but two massive and shining mums.

“Homecoming mums are getting too big.” This was the title of the pre-hoco story Rylee posted to on September 16th, 2015. When I took on this story to expose the web of lies and deception Rylee had wrapped herself up in, I was expecting to have to dig up some real dirt to expose Rylee’s syph-mum-y of lies. It was faaaaaar easier than I had previously expected.

Some of the mums I’ve seen recently are so big, they’re almost unrecognizable. A reasonable size for your mum should be down to your legs and have a good amount of bells and lights, but if you’re wearing your mum as a dress and need a literal harness for it to stay on your body, you might want to reevaluate.” This quote has been stripped directly from the story itself, and quite frankly (see picture), speaks for itself. These jokes write themselves, folks. To see where Rylee is today, I met with her to discuss.

Rylee was a tough interview to find, as since the incident she has taken to a reclusive lifestyle, hiding from the public eye and that of the media (such as myself). After many hours of tracking the interview to the seat directly next to me, I sat down with the infamous Rylee Matousek.

Q: As I recall from the article, and I have it here, you said “A reasonable size for your mum should be down to your legs and have a good amount of bells and lights…”. Would you describe your not one, but two mums, both of which passed your knees, and both of which also having such an absurd amount of bells doo-dads that you rung as you walk, as “down to your legs [with] a good amount of bells and lights?”

A: Yes it is true, one of my mums went down to mid-calf and the other to my ankles, but, to be fair, I am a woman of five feet and two inches, so I feel that, on a regular sized human, my mums are normal.

To this response, I reminded her that the average height of an American woman is five feet five inches tall, to which she responded, “cut me three inches of slack!”

Q: In your article, you said towards those with oversized mums, “you might want to reevaluate”. How is your reevaluation going?

A: It has been really enlightening. I’m really starting to realize the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Thank you for helping me to see that.

You are very welcome, Rylee.

Q: So looking to next year… What kind of mum can we expect to see on Rylee Matousek?

A: Next year… you know what… it’s just going to get even bigger.

Q: So you’re telling me the rehab sessions you’ve been attending just aren’t getting through?

A: Absolutely not.

So, Dripping Springs, you heard it here first. The tirelessly stupid and immaculately dumb trend of Homecoming mums isn’t going anywhere soon. Its an addiction among teenage Texan girls, and one of catastrophic size. Our vision of war needs to change. Change from that of trying to kill the mum, to defeating hypocrisy. If I have learned anything through this story it is Rylee is no more than a cog in the everlasting female cycle of “one-upping” each others mums.

Resistance of the mum is futile, so let’s turn our focus from killing the mum to teaching girls that it is okay to be honest about the mums you want. No more “oh, yeah I don’t really care about mums” when actually you’re expecting the grandest of them all. No more “Who wants a mum that big?” when all you really want is a mum leaving a trail of glitter as it drags behind you.

Don’t let Rylee’s hypocritical demise be for nothing.

Written by Jaxson Thornton

Entertainment and Opinion Editor